A Love Letter to Uncertainty

I have not lost touch with reality. I have lost touch with the feeling deep down inside that is supposed to ask "What matters?".

I am not the best person ever by a fair margin, I am no superhero, nor do I claim to be one.  I won't promise the world, but I know that we can be happy in good and bad times, together. Together! being the keyword. Now getting the mush out of the way, since this is zero mush, I'd like to say how I feel now. 

This is where I pour out things I cannot say. 

I feel scared, I feel defenseless. I have no control over everything that is happening to me or happening to you. I met you and was truly happy after ages and ages, and then all this happened. If we cannot pull ourselves through this together, nothing else can. I see it as a new beginning, you might see it as a new end, but that is your choice, not mine. You know why? Because I love you. I care about you. I wish I could take all that pain that you are suffering, but that's being unrealistic, right? Potato!

I feel I have made a mistake recently and I know I am in the wrong, but How? Why? What? Where? Still needs to be figured out. I just know there's something wrong with your mood. I know I was looking forward to seeing you, potato, but it could not happen because of a lot of things that happened. I have no control over such stuff. Maybe chemo is fucking deleting me from your brain. 

I promised you tonight that I won't make 60-70 year comments. I lied. You cannot stop me. You can ignore it, but you cannot stop me. My garden will be there in a small house, with or without you. Craft shop, god knows, depends on you. If you are so uncertain and feeling scared, why can't you express? Why hide behind the wall of "I just have to chill...". The only promise I can make you is that I will love you forever, and nothing will be chill with me. Everything changes, rapidly, plans, life, feelings, time, wounds, days, nights. That's why they have this thing called "commitment". It's an old new-concept. Needs to be explained to every generation. One thing that never changes is my love for you. Everything else can change, fuck it. That's my promise. Tomorrow if I die, I will take this time with me. No one can stop me. My love is like the plastic waste, eat it, burn it, recycle it, destroy it, it remains "my love for you".

I know you are losing interest, I could feel it today. My love for you is not as weak as your "interest" for me. It is strong. It can withstand slight breezes with ease. It is not fragile. It is strong. I got really hurt by a couple of things you said tonight. Want me to be realistic? Ok. I want to be with you till my last breath (trust me won't take that long). If you cannot see it, I cannot do anything. I am not too expressive. I just go with the flow, and you are my jam baby. We could be so cool together. Another thing that hurt me was not something under your control. It is my fault. Deep down inside, I am feeling pretty bad now. It's ok. I can deal with it.

There is more to say, but maybe later. It is late. I do not know how to end it, cos end of the day I am all talk and no substance?

Together? Haan na! Why not?